It’s been a longer gap between posts than normal. It has been a bit hard to follow the last one that got so personal I suppose. I feel now I know what I should write about so I find myself here, for a fourth time starting this weeks blog.
I have struggled to bond with my youngest child. Even through pregnancy I found it difficult. Then he was born and I had the rush of “I made him, he’s beautiful, I’m so in love.” I wish it could have lasted and been the start of a great relationship but it wasn’t.
** Talk of postpartum psychosis, thoughts of self harm, and thoughts of harming others**
I wonder if I’ll ever truly be able to put it into words. I suppose the answer is no. I could never put the pain, demons and isolation into words but I try. I try because putting it on paper helps it to stop spinning around in my head. I am filling my second journal in 9 months. The words just flow because I don’t know how else to let this out.
I really don’t write for anyone else. My writing is simply for me. It’s just a bonus if others along the way can be helped by reading it.
I fill my pages with anything that seems to get stuck swirling around my mind. Picking up a pen seems to be a key that unlocks the spinning of the thoughts. Picking up a pen can release the thoughts and emotions that haven’t been able to break free on their own. Continue reading
I wrote this post only 10 days ago. At the time I had no idea what the weekend ahead was going to hold. I found myself landed in a hospital bed this weekend unable to feel from the waist down or move my legs. My brain unable to register I had legs or arms below my elbow. I felt like a box. The pain in my neck and head was unbearable. With help of the physical therapist I’ve been able to regain feeling in my legs and over the last few days I’ve been able to manage to walk once again, praise the Lord! My thoughts this last week instead of a pity party has been determination, acceptance, and praise of the small victories. My exact thoughts were “I haven’t been through hell to let this take me down.” Continue reading
Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.— Oscar Wilde.
I’ve had this quote sitting in my drafts for 3 months knowing I wanted to use it. It is so powerful to me. Ive thought about it a lot lately. What does it mean to me? Why is it so powerful?
I’ve had a lot of unexpected life events as of late. Paths I never thought I’d have to go through. For example I never thought I’d go through postpartum psychosis. Continue reading