About the Author

I’m Brooke. A wife to the most supportive Husband, who is my rock, and a mom to four handsome boys. I am a survivor of Postpartum Psychosis, Postpartum Mood Disorder and Postpartum PTSD. Because of my experience Maternal Mental health is my passion and I am now certified through PSI National, and a certified health and wellness coach. j

Sometimes I question why the hell did I go through this? I’m not one to question God often but through this I did. Through this I’ve wrestled, screamed, fought, weeped and pleaded with God. Through this my faith was tested and tried from every angle. I have seen God show up throughout my story, giving me glimpses of comfort, strength and hope. I only share this because my belief in God is such a big part of my life.

Here I will share my story. I’m going to share excerpts from my journal, I hope you will be respectful. A journal holds no judgment and because of this I can write openly, raw, and honest.I share to break the silence, break the shame cycle and in hopes it can help you or maybe someone you know, know they are not alone. You are a survivor.

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Owning My Story

I’m reading back through my journal. I’m so glad I kept one so detailed through my journey. I came across my struggle of owning my story. It’s funny how sometimes when you look back you don’t remember things to be as hard as they really were.

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Medical Journey: Part 5 The surgeon

I wrote this a few days before surgery but never got it posted so here it is, part 5:

I have to say the hospital is quite efficient here. In a matter of a hour I had 5 X-rays, blood, urine, covid, and cat scan done. We then went to a different clinic where we did a MRV scan. It is a 3D mapping of my arteries, and veins. We did see how things had moved with my instability. We gained valuable information through this scan. Turns out my right jugular doesn’t have blood flow basically at all. We hope that the fusion will be enough to unpinch this so I can avoid a jugular decompression.

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Medical Journey: Part 4 Travel

It is an interesting time we live in. To travel we had to show medical forms every step of the way. Even in Salt Lake City airport. It is not easy currently to leave the country, and I’m not really sure why someone would want to leave without a good reason. Every person traveling was asked why they were traveling.

Traveling was really hard on my body. The pressure change during take off and landing sent shooting pains through my head. Not being able to lay down for so many hours. My head was just too heavy to hold up anymore.

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Medical Journey: Part 3 Smooth Sailing?

Nothing can go smoothly when it comes to unknown conditions. Especially lots of them, not just one. Conditions that are just recently starting to be studied, looked at.

Even so, things were falling into place. Apartment booked, airplane tickets purchased.

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Medical Journey: Part 2 Becoming an Expert

I had no direction from Dr’s. Through hours of research I would find new disorders that would be comorbid to my condition and research those. Each one adding a piece to the puzzle. I’d find out what scans I’d need, blood work, where to go. Call around till I found the place and then contact my family Dr. I’d bring him up to speed on where I was at in my research and he would write the order I needed to travel out of state to get my MRI’s, and CINE scan.

I first learned of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS) through a local pioneer in these medical conditions. She paved a way for many. I wouldn’t want to do what she had to do, she has blessed so many who are walking in the dark here.

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Medical Journey: Paralysis, my Beginning

I’ve wanted to write for so long. The words no longer flow from me. My mind is so confused all the time. Not able to think clearly, make sense of it. The surgeon says around day five post-op my thoughts should become more clear and I should begin to regain my focus again. I’m a former school nerd. I say former because it has been years since I’ve been able to sit and devour a book. My hope is I’ll regain my school nerd status once again.

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Mothers Day

“There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.”

– Jill Churchill

Mothers Day. It’s a day of reflection for me. It wasn’t always that way. Traumatic experiences seem to change us as a person. For worse, or the better.

As I reflected this year I just was surprised at how far I’ve come as a mother. Through every child I’ve been molded, I’m sure mothers everywhere can relate to that one.

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Sunday Journal Ramblings

I should be struggling to sleep right now. Full of nerves and excitement for the morning. I  suspect there’d be butterflies in my stomach as I thought about the beginning of my new adventure. 

Or maybe I’d continue to feel that overwhelming peace I’ve felt from the beginning and be calm about being rolled back for surgery in just a matter of hours.  Continue reading

Even Super Woman Needs a Sidekick

Sometimes I just feel that words bubbling up. Needing to try and escape this cage. Sometimes it’s hard to find words for what I’m feeling and going through. But I have to try because I need to break the Silence. 

There’s so much they don’t tell you about postpartum. I wish people prepared for postpartum like they do packing for the hospital.  Continue reading

Invisible Pain

Much like listening to the same song over and over I feel like I can get stuck on repeat in recovery. Finding the same issue resurfacing again and again. It can hurt. It can be frustrating and it most definitely has made me feel defeated at times. 

I’ve started to compare my mental recovery to healing from a surgery (appropriate, I know.)  It’s really painful in the beginning than slowly the pain comes down as you do things to help it. After that as you heal from the outside people no longer think of your recovery but you still feel the incisions brushing against your clothing, irritated and sometimes painful but most definitely uncomfortable.  Continue reading