I wrote this a few days before surgery but never got it posted so here it is, part 5:
I have to say the hospital is quite efficient here. In a matter of a hour I had 5 X-rays, blood, urine, covid, and cat scan done. We then went to a different clinic where we did a MRV scan. It is a 3D mapping of my arteries, and veins. We did see how things had moved with my instability. We gained valuable information through this scan. Turns out my right jugular doesn’t have blood flow basically at all. We hope that the fusion will be enough to unpinch this so I can avoid a jugular decompression.
The next day we had our appointment with Dr Gilete and Dr. Oliver. They are some of the top neurosurgeons in Spain. What amazing humble men. There is no ego. It makes it so easy to trust them with my head. We sat down for almost two hours going over the scans, the best surgical option, discussing why they felt it was best but being honest about what they saw in my scans.
I’m currently days out from having surgery. Again this will be old news by the time this is posted but I want to document each moment in real time.
I’m struggling emotionally. I don’t know if it is about the surgery or not to be honest. I feel so at peace with it.
I miss my children dearly and I can’t think that it will be another month before I get to embrace them. I honestly didn’t know what to expect about how I’d feel once being here. I have gone on such a journey with my feelings with motherhood the last 3 years. I’m happy to miss them so much, but it is so hard. I cried after talking with them yesterday. It was so hard. I wonder if it’s hard on them too or if it helps them.
I hope that post op I will be grateful for the time I have to heal here before traveling home. I hope that the recovering will be distracting enough to make the next month go by “quickly”. I question if that is the right word..
The anxiety is boiling within me now. It has been a long time since I’ve felt it like this. I finding the feeling of anxiety and depression triggering. It reminds me of my darkest days and makes me wonder if I’m strong enough to not spiral. I can never go back to the bottom of the pit.
I’m finding it difficult to calm myself when I can’t do anything but sit on a couch in an apartment in Barcelona. Coloring books are okay but I can’t do them forever. Meditation is difficult with the sound of the street below. I could never be a city girl. The city truly never sleeps.
Luckily my mind has found some clarity the last few days and writing has been easier. Writing has been my best outlet. It always has been. I look forward with hope to the possibilities of having that focus return.
Surgery is just days away now. I’m down to just my last few appointments prior to it. I could cry with joy, no really I have teared up over it. It’s so hard to believe its that close.
I’m so grateful for all the prayers and donations in my behave. Each one is deeply felt. I can’t believe God has shown such favor upon us. I never thought I’d be in a position to need such help, and it wasn’t easy to accept it but I’m grateful I let others show love and good in the world through that platform. It has restored my hope in humanity.
Mother Hidden 