One of the first questions I get asked when someone learns I had postpartum psychosis is “what is it exactly?” With today being international postpartum psychosis awareness day I thought I’d dive into explaining what it is. If you would like to read about my experience you can read the blog series ‘what brought me here‘
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Have you, like myself, ever looked at your husband peacefully sleeping through the night while you’re up feeding the newborn? Of course, I’m sure you have. Did you feel that resentment boil up inside? Frustration, anger even, that once again you must feed the little one?
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Nothing can go smoothly when it comes to unknown conditions. Especially lots of them, not just one. Conditions that are just recently starting to be studied, looked at.
Even so, things were falling into place. Apartment booked, airplane tickets purchased.
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I had no direction from Dr’s. Through hours of research I would find new disorders that would be comorbid to my condition and research those. Each one adding a piece to the puzzle. I’d find out what scans I’d need, blood work, where to go. Call around till I found the place and then contact my family Dr. I’d bring him up to speed on where I was at in my research and he would write the order I needed to travel out of state to get my MRI’s, and CINE scan.
I first learned of Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS) through a local pioneer in these medical conditions. She paved a way for many. I wouldn’t want to do what she had to do, she has blessed so many who are walking in the dark here.
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I’ve wanted to write for so long. The words no longer flow from me. My mind is so confused all the time. Not able to think clearly, make sense of it. The surgeon says around day five post-op my thoughts should become more clear and I should begin to regain my focus again. I’m a former school nerd. I say former because it has been years since I’ve been able to sit and devour a book. My hope is I’ll regain my school nerd status once again.
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“There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.”
– Jill Churchill
Mothers Day. It’s a day of reflection for me. It wasn’t always that way. Traumatic experiences seem to change us as a person. For worse, or the better.
As I reflected this year I just was surprised at how far I’ve come as a mother. Through every child I’ve been molded, I’m sure mothers everywhere can relate to that one.
I should be struggling to sleep right now. Full of nerves and excitement for the morning. I suspect there’d be butterflies in my stomach as I thought about the beginning of my new adventure.
Or maybe I’d continue to feel that overwhelming peace I’ve felt from the beginning and be calm about being rolled back for surgery in just a matter of hours. Continue reading
Sometimes I just feel that words bubbling up. Needing to try and escape this cage. Sometimes it’s hard to find words for what I’m feeling and going through. But I have to try because I need to break the Silence.
There’s so much they don’t tell you about postpartum. I wish people prepared for postpartum like they do packing for the hospital. Continue reading
Much like listening to the same song over and over I feel like I can get stuck on repeat in recovery. Finding the same issue resurfacing again and again. It can hurt. It can be frustrating and it most definitely has made me feel defeated at times.
I’ve started to compare my mental recovery to healing from a surgery (appropriate, I know.) It’s really painful in the beginning than slowly the pain comes down as you do things to help it. After that as you heal from the outside people no longer think of your recovery but you still feel the incisions brushing against your clothing, irritated and sometimes painful but most definitely uncomfortable. Continue reading
I’ve been a little absent more than usual. I have so much going on at home it’s been hard for me to focus.
I’ve mentioned briefly in previous blogs I have been having some health problems. I’ve avoided saying much details about them till we had more answers, well we have those.
Mother Hidden 