I should be struggling to sleep right now. Full of nerves and excitement for the morning. I suspect there’d be butterflies in my stomach as I thought about the beginning of my new adventure.
Or maybe I’d continue to feel that overwhelming peace I’ve felt from the beginning and be calm about being rolled back for surgery in just a matter of hours.
I’m sure there would have been hours of talking about how we felt and praying to God all the things we couldn’t put into words.
Instead I’m laying here trying to put into words the nausea that has settled in the pit of my stomach.
A mixture between vertigo, straight up pain, with some depression thrown in for good measure.
I don’t know if it’s just my surgery being postponed or the fact we’ve moved to a much smaller living space, or maybe because my four boys are home 24/7 needing me to school them and keep them from giving each other a black eye but my heart is too heavy to carry any of this.
I know God needs no words from me. My prayers often are setting my heart on Him and letting loose all the heavy, painful emotions that sit on my chest. I wish I could throw my head up, spread my arms out and scream at the mountain tops. Do you think that’d help?… I know it’s unrealistic. I can’t throw my head back, I can’t raise my voice to make a hard vibration in my head nor can my instability sustain my arms out like that. Which leads me back here, with this weight too heavy upon my chest.