I Wish You Knew

I miss this because I missed it. You took that from me. All I have are pictures. Pictures I had to force myself to take because I knew the depression was so deep I wouldn’t remember a thing. What I do remember is sitting in a chair nursing and wishing with every fiber of my being that I wasn’t sitting there. That I was free. That I didn’t have you because I blamed you for my pain. I wish I could go back and tell myself how strong I am. How hard I was fighting and that it would be worth it. Tell myself it’s okay to feel what I felt. Tell myself that everything I was giving to my family was enough because what I was fighting inside was so much more than anyone knew.
I wish I could tell you that you may not feel it now but one day you’d look at your son and know he was meant to be here. That God planned every part of this journey. That one day you’d look at him and feel love and eventually even feel joy watching him laugh and play.
I wish I could tell you that you’re not alone. So many struggle in silence.
I wish I could tell you how brave you were for fighting till you found the right help.
How much courage it took to walk into that hospital and say goodbye to the one person you trusted and kept you safe and be thrown into the experience that it was. I’m sorry how it turned out. I’m sorry the pain it ended up causing. I’m sorry the PTSD it caused. The nights of crying the days of panic attack’s. They were supposed to help not make it worse. I’m sorry it got to the point you had to go there. I know it saved your life.

I wish I could tell you your life is priceless. That your marriage being your only motivator is alright. You deserve to laugh together for a lifetime. It’s okay to get angry that you could have taken that away and use that anger to fight for your life. Whatever you needed to survive is okay.
I wish you knew you are a warrior. You are amazing. You are healing. You will change the world one life at a time. And when you help someone else survive it you’ll know why you went through it.