I look at my family at times and just think “Theres my whole world..” I never ever thought I’d look at my boys like that again after my postpartum. I was so resentful towards them, not realizing in my dark time that they were not the ones to blame. That my baby was not at fault. It took a lot of healing to realize this.
There are times in our normal day to day living that I just watch my kids and husband and wonder what their life would look like in that exact moment if I’d killed myself. How would my children handle mourning? Would the little ones understand I’m not coming back? What would their behavior be like as they navigate such big emotions. How would my husband handle their struggles with the
transition while dealing with his own mourning and anger at me for giving in?
I wish I could shake the feeling. I wish I could shut off this alternate reality I often see. I mentioned to my husband
how much I was struggling with it and how I desperately just wanted to forget. His response took me off guard. He said “Good, don’t ever stop thinking about that.” He wanted me to remember because remembering would help me in the dark times I may still face ahead. A reminder of the childhood I could have stolen from my kids.
I thought a lot about what he said. It really impacted me. So I don’t try to forget. I don’t fight the images. I don’t push them away. They aren’t a negative thing for me. They keep me fighting, they motivate me, they make me grateful for my life I still get to live.